e starting to argue and I don’t want to do that. Do we need to wait for a better time, or can we take a moment and talk about this calmly?"

The next challenge is to just listen. Yes, you have a point of view and you have needs that are conflicting with your partner’s. They don’t stand a chance of being heard unless your partner feels heard and understood.

You are best off talking about needs. Discussing your differences just highlights the conflict. Ask your partner what it is they need. Again, listen to them unconditionally. Don’t be thinking about your response. If you don’t understand their need, ask questions and make re-statements of what you hear until you really understand; and, t

When you go to the core, what is your marriage? Beyond the romantic ideal, you are part of a cooperative friendship with someone unique whom you consider highly significant.

Arguments tear at the sense of cooperation and friendship. It has been established that for every negative comment you make to your spouse, it takes 6 positive comments for them to feel positive towards you again. It doesn’t take long for arguments to damage a marriage.

It has been popular to teach couples the art of fair fighting. I suggest that this is not necessary because at its core an argument is nothing more that, "I’m right and you are wrong." This is conflict, and does not promote a solution. Couples who discover how to resolve their conflicts have marriages that last and are happily satisfying.

So here is the way to stop arguing with your spouse:

Stop arguing with your spouse!

Refuse to do so. Instead, choose to engage your partner in cooperative, solution focused discussion.

At first this new behavior will feel uncomfortable and unnatural. It is a change, and let’s face it, continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results is insanity. With practice and time you can replace your old “habit” of arguing and fighting.

It will take effort for this process to work. It calls for commitment to a changed way of talking about differences and conflicts with your spouse. As I hope you will see, it is a more effective way of communicating. You can make the adjustment. Besides, aren’t the arguments draining you? I challenge you to use this wasted energy to learn and practice a new model of finding solutions.

It is helpful if both partners agree to make the change. It is not necessary though. It will take longer for the other party to come along, and you can begin making effective change alone.

Before you begin, it is really necessary for you to call a truce. By this I mean, in your heart and mind, you have to accept and forgive. Let go of your negative thoughts and feelings about your partner. Don’t hold their mistakes in your previous arguments against them. Unless you have a hidden time machine, let the past go. Yes, this is a challenge; however, hidden agendas can sabotage the success of your attempt to do it differently.

Maybe a help here would be to get out your old wedding photos or watch that video tape you haven’t watched in such a while. If these make you sad or cause you to cry, let it out. This is your realization of your love for this person and recognition of the need to find a more peaceful way of getting along.

The next time a conflict presents do everything you can to maintain focus. When you are aware that an argument is starting, Stop! Say the following to your partner:

"(Their name), I love you. It feels like we are starting to argue and I don’t want to do that. Do we need to wait for a better time, or can we take a moment and talk about this calmly?"

The next challenge is to just listen. Yes, you have a point of view and you have needs that are conflicting with your partner’s. They don’t stand a chance of being heard unless your partner feels heard and understood.

You are best off talking about needs. Discussing your differences just highlights the conflict. Ask your partner what it is they need. Again, listen to them unconditionally. Don’t be thinking about your response. If you don’t understand their need, ask questions and make re-statements of what you hear until you really understand; and, th

scover how to resolve their conflicts have marriages that last and are happily satisfying.

So here is the way to stop arguing with your spouse:

Stop arguing with your spouse!

Refuse to do so. Instead, choose to engage your partner in cooperative, solution focused discussion.

At first this new behavior will feel uncomfortable and unnatural. It is a change, and let’s face it, continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results is insanity. With practice and time you can replace your old “habit” of arguing and fighting.

It will take effort for this process to work. It calls for commitment to a changed way of talking about differences and conflicts with your spouse. As I hope you will see, it is a more effective way of communicating. You can make the adjustment. Besides, aren’t the arguments draining you? I challenge you to use this wasted energy to learn and practice a new model of finding solutions.

It is helpful if both partners agree to make the change. It is not necessary though. It will take longer for the other party to come along, and you can begin making effective change alone.

Before you begin, it is really necessary for you to call a truce. By this I mean, in your heart and mind, you have to accept and forgive. Let go of your negative thoughts and feelings about your partner. Don’t hold their mistakes in your previous arguments against them. Unless you have a hidden time machine, let the past go. Yes, this is a challenge; however, hidden agendas can sabotage the success of your attempt to do it differently.

Maybe a help here would be to get out your old wedding photos or watch that video tape you haven’t watched in such a while. If these make you sad or cause you to cry, let it out. This is your realization of your love for this person and recognition of the need to find a more peaceful way of getting along.

The next time a conflict presents do everything you can to maintain focus. When you are aware that an argument is starting, Stop! Say the following to your partner:

"(Their name), I love you. It feels like we are starting to argue and I don’t want to do that. Do we need to wait for a better time, or can we take a moment and talk about this calmly?"

The next challenge is to just listen. Yes, you have a point of view and you have needs that are conflicting with your partner’s. They don’t stand a chance of being heard unless your partner feels heard and understood.

You are best off talking about needs. Discussing your differences just highlights the conflict. Ask your partner what it is they need. Again, listen to them unconditionally. Don’t be thinking about your response. If you don’t understand their need, ask questions and make re-statements of what you hear until you really understand; and, t

use. As I hope you will see, it is a more effective way of communicating. You can make the adjustment. Besides, aren’t the arguments draining you? I challenge you to use this wasted energy to learn and practice a new model of finding solutions.

It is helpful if both partners agree to make the change. It is not necessary though. It will take longer for the other party to come along, and you can begin making effective change alone.

Before you begin, it is really necessary for you to call a truce. By this I mean, in your heart and mind, you have to accept and forgive. Let go of your negative thoughts and feelings about your partner. Don’t hold their mistakes in your previous arguments against them. Unless you have a hidden time machine, let the past go. Yes, this is a challenge; however, hidden agendas can sabotage the success of your attempt to do it differently.

Maybe a help here would be to get out your old wedding photos or watch that video tape you haven’t watched in such a while. If these make you sad or cause you to cry, let it out. This is your realization of your love for this person and recognition of the need to find a more peaceful way of getting along.

The next time a conflict presents do everything you can to maintain focus. When you are aware that an argument is starting, Stop! Say the following to your partner:

"(Their name), I love you. It feels like we are starting to argue and I don’t want to do that. Do we need to wait for a better time, or can we take a moment and talk about this calmly?"

The next challenge is to just listen. Yes, you have a point of view and you have needs that are conflicting with your partner’s. They don’t stand a chance of being heard unless your partner feels heard and understood.

You are best off talking about needs. Discussing your differences just highlights the conflict. Ask your partner what it is they need. Again, listen to them unconditionally. Don’t be thinking about your response. If you don’t understand their need, ask questions and make re-statements of what you hear until you really understand; and, t

hem. Unless you have a hidden time machine, let the past go. Yes, this is a challenge; however, hidden agendas can sabotage the success of your attempt to do it differently.

Maybe a help here would be to get out your old wedding photos or watch that video tape you haven’t watched in such a while. If these make you sad or cause you to cry, let it out. This is your realization of your love for this person and recognition of the need to find a more peaceful way of getting along.

The next time a conflict presents do everything you can to maintain focus. When you are aware that an argument is starting, Stop! Say the following to your partner:

"(Their name), I love you. It feels like we are starting to argue and I don’t want to do that. Do we need to wait for a better time, or can we take a moment and talk about this calmly?"

The next challenge is to just listen. Yes, you have a point of view and you have needs that are conflicting with your partner’s. They don’t stand a chance of being heard unless your partner feels heard and understood.

You are best off talking about needs. Discussing your differences just highlights the conflict. Ask your partner what it is they need. Again, listen to them unconditionally. Don’t be thinking about your response. If you don’t understand their need, ask questions and make re-statements of what you hear until you really understand; and, t

e starting to argue and I don’t want to do that. Do we need to wait for a better time, or can we take a moment and talk about this calmly?"

The next challenge is to just listen. Yes, you have a point of view and you have needs that are conflicting with your partner’s. They don’t stand a chance of being heard unless your partner feels heard and understood.

You are best off talking about needs. Discussing your differences just highlights the conflict. Ask your partner what it is they need. Again, listen to them unconditionally. Don’t be thinking about your response. If you don’t understand their need, ask questions and make re-statements of what you hear until you really understand; and, they agree with your understanding.

At this point your partner will most likely be in a place to hear your needs and concerns. You may discover you have more in common than you thought.

After you both have stated you concerns, you can focus on a creative solution. Try to come up with a strategy to meet as many of both parties needs as is possible. By working together to create the answer it will be the "best" solution for both, and it will bring you closer.

Sorry to say, this doesn’t sound all that romantic, and even a bit formal and stilted. Leave the romance for later. Let it be icing on the cake. If you and your partner resolve your conflicts: 1) you won’t be arguing; and 2) you will probably feel more loving towards each other. Isn’t that what romance really is anyway?

©2005 Timothy F. Dowty, M.A., MFT