Would you throw out that novel reader?

Would you have broken that promise to Chloe like I did?

Jesus Christ put two idols on the altar that day. My Book, and the girl I loved, the girl that left me unselfishly so I would have the courage to heal and a reason to heal and something to force me to publish.

At church the night I threw the novel out a song played on the song list that spoke about laying down all our dreams and desires to follow Jesus. I wept the first time I heard that song a year before as I knew if it come to it and Jesus asked me I would have to throw my novel out. And that night I wept again.

Three hours later around 12pm at night my best friend and prophet that heads up www.online-prayer.net for me started to cry at the caf? we were at. I asked him why he was crying and he waved me off as he continued to weep. He gathered himself together some minutes later and told me God had just told him that tonight God was making a move in Chloe’s life to bring her into the kingdom of God. When I heard that I began to cry as my friend expected I would. Just typing now I have to stop again as my tears stop me from seeing.

Who would you give up for Jesus and his will?

What ambition would you give up?

This year I have had to give up one more love for a season.

The forth love but the one that came first June Gloria Payne, my mother

If Jesus told you to stop communicating with your mother would you do it?

Seventeen weeks ago the Lord told me to stop contacting my mother for a season until I heal things in my life that my human relationship with my mother had caused.

My mum is the greatest listener in my world save my prophet friend.

My mum was my greatest backer.

My mum championed me.

My mother allowed me to suffer without condemning me for my sins

My mother taught me what good conversation is.

My mother is my biggest believer

My mother worries too much for me.

I hear mothers cannot stop worrying and so who can blame her for that?

My mother had the dark hair that I love.

My mother took me to see my grandmother who loved me so importantly for me.

My mother wept as I threw out my novel as she had prayed that I would let go of the past.

My mother met Chloe and approved of her son dating a prostitute and getting engaged to one.

My mother had coffee and cake and let Chloe pay for it without a fuss, saying politely that she would pay next time.

My mother loved my wife through all the grief my wife gave her son.

My mother showed me what unconditional love is.

My mother is scared of my mental illness.

My mother is human.

My mother writes great letters and cards.

My mother is a gifted teacher of the Bible.

My mother made my friends I brought home feel like sons.

My mother never judged

Sharryn My wife.

It was about seven thirty at night. We were in the great ballroom in Darling Harbour, Sydney, Australia’s foremost convention centre and it was dinner time in a two day conference of Amway a business that I was fast becoming successful in. I got an invitation by one of my down-line distributors to come and meet the new people in his group. I was brought to a table and introduced to about four people.

One of them was this quite attractive girl with a weird haircut and color in her hair. She was pleased to meet me and wanted to know if she could meet up with me privately to talk more about the business. I was a bit shocked, there was about six people in between where I was in the food chain and where she was and some quite capable people that could answer any question she had in mind. But before I knew it I was making an appointment for the following Saturday.

Within a month this half Lebanese/half Australian Catholic girl and myself were dating as you Americans call it. The first night we had a nice dinner and kissed, the second night we spent the night together in her bed. Out of the next fourteen days I spent ten nights at her place and I was saying that is seemed I was wasting money on rent.

What a romantic I was. Selfish, prideful person I was!

She told me the only condition she had on me moving in was that we get married and that statement by her was the extent of my proposal only we didn’t get time to get the ring before my beloved girlfriend was pregnant and I am still not sure how I could have been so stupid to have had unprotected sex. I still don’t know the full story.

Three months later we were married while I tried to come to grips with her becoming my wife. I have a wedding picture where my dad was crying as he turned from kissing Sharryn. I asked him years later were they happy or sad tears?He said my wedding day was the saddest day of his life.

Sharryn was a go getter. She was a good worker and she was very good at doing her job. I fell in love with Sharryn in time; I could say I got addicted to Sharryn. She had the nicest deep brown eyes, nice short dark hair and olive skin, the three features that I love in a woman. I liked the spirit Sharryn had and it seemed she like to spend as we both had incomes and yet we never really acquired many great assets.

The day Sharryn told me to leave was a very sad day in my life. Sure we had fought before and once before we had separated yet this time Sharryn was saying this was final. It took me six long years to get over Sharryn from that day, and I guess I never really gave up on her till her wedding day when she married a pastor’s son. Sharryn bore me a son called Brandyn and you’ll notice the similar spelling with the y instead of an o. Sharryn hurt me deeply with the divorce and ensuing custody court proceedings and yet Sharryn was a very special girl that I was simply not good enough to keep in my cage. She needed her freedom and she needed to choose another better equipped male to look after her.

She had a great smile, a great figure, great legs, great skin, and boy she could fight nasty when she put her mind to it. You have to respect a person that gets things their way with a persistent husband that wants joint custody.

Sharon My second great love

For twenty years if you don’t know me save the three years with Sharryn I had an addiction to prostitutes. Apparently one in six males will visit a prostitute, not all of them get addicted like me, but that was my fate.

I visited prostitutes so much that when I decided to create a lead character for my first novel, I chose to write a character that was a heroin addicted prostitute from Sydney’s infamous Kings Cross.

I wrote the novel within a year of breaking up with Sharryn and drew on my wife for inspiration and so called my character Sharon. Soon the character moved past whom my wife was and evolved and I fell in love with her.

In the novel The Fallen Ones I had seventeen characters and I had one character that I based heavily on my life as a bisexual in early years and I called him David. My David fell in love with the street walker and helped her find the strength to leave heroin and the life of a prostitute behind and they got married.

Seeing as I had written myself into the story I fell heavily for Sharon and loved her for roughly ten years until Jesus Christ spoke to me in my heart and told me to throw the manuscript away as it was too dark. But before I had thrown my second love away she had already one the heart of my third love.

Chloe, my third great love

My third love was someone I was having regular sex with but not someone that I wanted to fall in love with. She just happened to be a prostitute that I really liked using the services of.

From the first time I met her I was caught off guard by her laughter and her mind. I was also very attracted to some ceramic pieces that she had painted and they were “spiritual pieces” in that, they had a “presence” about them. They were mostly American Indian pieces.

Chloe was quite different to most sex workers as she was never in a rush to get you out the door after twenty minutes of your half an hour was taken up. In fact she never seemed to say anything until the half an hour mark where it was time to shower and she let you stay at least another fifteen minutes where often she’d make you a coffee and we’d have a laugh and a chat. Chloe had dark hair but she died her hair blonde to better suit client preference for blondes. She was a dress size 14 in Australian dress sizes, in other words she was not very slim, but you couldn’t call her overweight either. Many guys are into breasts and Chloe was a natural all the way and as pretty she was, it was her spiritual side and her personality that had me hooked.

One day, after coffee I told her that it was to be my last visit to her as a client. I told her we could remain friends as I brought her regular work from my Taxi cab at night, but as of tonight this would be our last night as client and prostitute.

She was stunned as we got on so well and she often let things go about her personal life. We had become like buddies and she was shocked that I could choose to leave her. Her curiosity made her ask why I was leaving.

I didn’t want to answer her.

She pushed and I gave in. At least she deserved the truth.

“I can’t use your services anymore Chloe as I am in love with you now.”

She tried to talk me around. I could not get in the mood anymore knowing I loved her. I simply had to find another prostitute to see.

We parted as friends and I still brought her clients. Sometimes she would earn between five hundred and a thousand dollars from clients I got her. From time to time at the end of a night or between clients she would invite me up for a coffee.

One day about four months after stopping using her services I was in the mood and it was early in the morning. I rang Chloe to ask if she was working and she said she was, thinking I was going to bring a late client around. I told her that no such client existed, but I wanted to come as a client for a once off time. She asked me if I was joking with her. It was something I would do, we were always laughing and joking with each other. I told her I was serious and she said she did not believe me.

When I rang the intercom she said she was nervous and asked once again if I was serious. I told her I was and she buzzed me up.

She met me at the door and our lips met and we undressed all the way to the bed. I am happy to say the half an hour booking went for a couple of hours, then we went out for breakfast, came home talked and talked and then went out to lunch before I left to take the taxi back.

We started dating from that day. One night about 3am in the morning on my day off she rang me at home and asked if I could come up and see her. When I got there she fell into my arms and gave me a big hug. I think this is the night that I knew she was in love with me and was totally at ease with me and she brought me from her personal life back into her business life. She didn’t cry but she told me she had been hurt physically by a client that was rough and would have to take a week off.

I met her foster mother that week and her son. Soon after that I had asked her to marry me and she accepted my proposal. We made plans for me to get my income to $1500 per week in the cabs and then we would get married and she would leave her work and get a normal job. She was doing a course at college to become a personal trainer and she had lost quite a lot of weight as she exercised. She made noises as she had lost weight up top that she might get implants and I had a big laugh and told her that I thought she was funny.

I lost my cab license due to fines and Chloe broke up with me. She told me that we couldn’t marry if I couldn’t at least replace her income. My sister got a sudden urge to pray for me that day but I wasn’t suicidal that day.

I pushed Chloe and asked if their was any other reason she was calling the engagement off and she told me that “Jesus has told me that you have a better wife in the future and I cannot marry you as it will stop her coming into your life.”

That made a lot of sense to me and I accepted that if birds could talk to Chloe and give her visions and she could summon spirits and put them in her creative work then it made sense that Jesus could speak to her.

She could never come to grips with the money for the half an hour booking that I had given her. So shortly after our breakup we went to see John Farnham and Olivia Newton John in concert and used the money plus forty dollars that I put in and she shouted dinner. We went as friends. In the middle of the concert a little girl went down to the stage and gave John Farnham a single rose.

Chloe reached over to me and told me that when she was that girl’s age she had been the little girl and given John a rose. That made tears come into my eyes that she would share her singer with me and such a precious memory with me.

After the concert Chloe told me that this was the last time we could see each other as friends. When I asked why she told me that Jesus had told her that my friendship with her is a crutch and that she needed to leave me so I would get on and heal my life.

She almost cried and then she asked me.

“Do you love me Matthew?”

“Yes Chloe, you know I do.”

“Then I want you to do me a favor.”

“What’s the favor?”

“You should be able to promise me without knowing what it is.”

“Okay. I will do it.”

“If you love me I want you to get better and when you are better to publish The Fallen Ones. When I see it in bookstores I will go and buy it and get in contact and we can be friends again.”

I cried. I knew I was a long way from publishing that novel. I begged her for a reason. “Why is it so important to you that I publish that?”

“You love me Matthew. You don’t love me for my breasts, or my good humor, or my money or what you can get from me. You simply love me for who I am. No one loves me like you do. They all love me for a reason. You know all of me, my work life, my personal life. You know everything about me and you understand and accept me. People don’t love me because they can’t understand me. How can people ever understand me unless they read The Fallen Ones?”

I was stunned.

“Publish The Fallen Ones. If you love me promise me you will publish The Fallen Ones.”

I promise.

Six years later Jesus told me through my brother that I respect, through a scripture verse and directly into my heart that I had to throw The Fallen Ones away and not publish it as it would bring Jesus and my ministries in the future dishonor.

It broke me heart to throw out my fictional character Sharon away. My dream was Chloe would have become that better woman and when she wrote to me and that we would have married. Not only did I have to depart with a novel I had spent eight hundred dollars getting it proofread and ten years editing and perfecting, but I had to break a promise to Chloe and also put up with the fact that now she would have no way of finding me.

Would you throw out that novel reader?

Would you have broken that promise to Chloe like I did?

Jesus Christ put two idols on the altar that day. My Book, and the girl I loved, the girl that left me unselfishly so I would have the courage to heal and a reason to heal and something to force me to publish.

At church the night I threw the novel out a song played on the song list that spoke about laying down all our dreams and desires to follow Jesus. I wept the first time I heard that song a year before as I knew if it come to it and Jesus asked me I would have to throw my novel out. And that night I wept again.

Three hours later around 12pm at night my best friend and prophet that heads up www.online-prayer.net for me started to cry at the caf? we were at. I asked him why he was crying and he waved me off as he continued to weep. He gathered himself together some minutes later and told me God had just told him that tonight God was making a move in Chloe’s life to bring her into the kingdom of God. When I heard that I began to cry as my friend expected I would. Just typing now I have to stop again as my tears stop me from seeing.

Who would you give up for Jesus and his will?

What ambition would you give up?

This year I have had to give up one more love for a season.

The forth love but the one that came first June Gloria Payne, my mother

If Jesus told you to stop communicating with your mother would you do it?

Seventeen weeks ago the Lord told me to stop contacting my mother for a season until I heal things in my life that my human relationship with my mother had caused.

My mum is the greatest listener in my world save my prophet friend.

My mum was my greatest backer.

My mum championed me.

My mother allowed me to suffer without condemning me for my sins

My mother taught me what good conversation is.

My mother is my biggest believer

My mother worries too much for me.

I hear mothers cannot stop worrying and so who can blame her for that?

My mother had the dark hair that I love.

My mother took me to see my grandmother who loved me so importantly for me.

My mother wept as I threw out my novel as she had prayed that I would let go of the past.

My mother met Chloe and approved of her son dating a prostitute and getting engaged to one.

My mother had coffee and cake and let Chloe pay for it without a fuss, saying politely that she would pay next time.

My mother loved my wife through all the grief my wife gave her son.

My mother showed me what unconditional love is.

My mother is scared of my mental illness.

My mother is human.

My mother writes great letters and cards.

My mother is a gifted teacher of the Bible.

My mother made my friends I brought home feel like sons.

My mother never judged

She had a great smile, a great figure, great legs, great skin, and boy she could fight nasty when she put her mind to it. You have to respect a person that gets things their way with a persistent husband that wants joint custody.

Sharon My second great love

For twenty years if you don’t know me save the three years with Sharryn I had an addiction to prostitutes. Apparently one in six males will visit a prostitute, not all of them get addicted like me, but that was my fate.

I visited prostitutes so much that when I decided to create a lead character for my first novel, I chose to write a character that was a heroin addicted prostitute from Sydney’s infamous Kings Cross.

I wrote the novel within a year of breaking up with Sharryn and drew on my wife for inspiration and so called my character Sharon. Soon the character moved past whom my wife was and evolved and I fell in love with her.

In the novel The Fallen Ones I had seventeen characters and I had one character that I based heavily on my life as a bisexual in early years and I called him David. My David fell in love with the street walker and helped her find the strength to leave heroin and the life of a prostitute behind and they got married.

Seeing as I had written myself into the story I fell heavily for Sharon and loved her for roughly ten years until Jesus Christ spoke to me in my heart and told me to throw the manuscript away as it was too dark. But before I had thrown my second love away she had already one the heart of my third love.

Chloe, my third great love

My third love was someone I was having regular sex with but not someone that I wanted to fall in love with. She just happened to be a prostitute that I really liked using the services of.

From the first time I met her I was caught off guard by her laughter and her mind. I was also very attracted to some ceramic pieces that she had painted and they were “spiritual pieces” in that, they had a “presence” about them. They were mostly American Indian pieces.

Chloe was quite different to most sex workers as she was never in a rush to get you out the door after twenty minutes of your half an hour was taken up. In fact she never seemed to say anything until the half an hour mark where it was time to shower and she let you stay at least another fifteen minutes where often she’d make you a coffee and we’d have a laugh and a chat. Chloe had dark hair but she died her hair blonde to better suit client preference for blondes. She was a dress size 14 in Australian dress sizes, in other words she was not very slim, but you couldn’t call her overweight either. Many guys are into breasts and Chloe was a natural all the way and as pretty she was, it was her spiritual side and her personality that had me hooked.

One day, after coffee I told her that it was to be my last visit to her as a client. I told her we could remain friends as I brought her regular work from my Taxi cab at night, but as of tonight this would be our last night as client and prostitute.

She was stunned as we got on so well and she often let things go about her personal life. We had become like buddies and she was shocked that I could choose to leave her. Her curiosity made her ask why I was leaving.

I didn’t want to answer her.

She pushed and I gave in. At least she deserved the truth.

“I can’t use your services anymore Chloe as I am in love with you now.”

She tried to talk me around. I could not get in the mood anymore knowing I loved her. I simply had to find another prostitute to see.

We parted as friends and I still brought her clients. Sometimes she would earn between five hundred and a thousand dollars from clients I got her. From time to time at the end of a night or between clients she would invite me up for a coffee.

One day about four months after stopping using her services I was in the mood and it was early in the morning. I rang Chloe to ask if she was working and she said she was, thinking I was going to bring a late client around. I told her that no such client existed, but I wanted to come as a client for a once off time. She asked me if I was joking with her. It was something I would do, we were always laughing and joking with each other. I told her I was serious and she said she did not believe me.

When I rang the intercom she said she was nervous and asked once again if I was serious. I told her I was and she buzzed me up.

She met me at the door and our lips met and we undressed all the way to the bed. I am happy to say the half an hour booking went for a couple of hours, then we went out for breakfast, came home talked and talked and then went out to lunch before I left to take the taxi back.

We started dating from that day. One night about 3am in the morning on my day off she rang me at home and asked if I could come up and see her. When I got there she fell into my arms and gave me a big hug. I think this is the night that I knew she was in love with me and was totally at ease with me and she brought me from her personal life back into her business life. She didn’t cry but she told me she had been hurt physically by a client that was rough and would have to take a week off.

I met her foster mother that week and her son. Soon after that I had asked her to marry me and she accepted my proposal. We made plans for me to get my income to $1500 per week in the cabs and then we would get married and she would leave her work and get a normal job. She was doing a course at college to become a personal trainer and she had lost quite a lot of weight as she exercised. She made noises as she had lost weight up top that she might get implants and I had a big laugh and told her that I thought she was funny.

I lost my cab license due to fines and Chloe broke up with me. She told me that we couldn’t marry if I couldn’t at least replace her income. My sister got a sudden urge to pray for me that day but I wasn’t suicidal that day.

I pushed Chloe and asked if their was any other reason she was calling the engagement off and she told me that “Jesus has told me that you have a better wife in the future and I cannot marry you as it will stop her coming into your life.”

That made a lot of sense to me and I accepted that if birds could talk to Chloe and give her visions and she could summon spirits and put them in her creative work then it made sense that Jesus could speak to her.

She could never come to grips with the money for the half an hour booking that I had given her. So shortly after our breakup we went to see John Farnham and Olivia Newton John in concert and used the money plus forty dollars that I put in and she shouted dinner. We went as friends. In the middle of the concert a little girl went down to the stage and gave John Farnham a single rose.

Chloe reached over to me and told me that when she was that girl’s age she had been the little girl and given John a rose. That made tears come into my eyes that she would share her singer with me and such a precious memory with me.

After the concert Chloe told me that this was the last time we could see each other as friends. When I asked why she told me that Jesus had told her that my friendship with her is a crutch and that she needed to leave me so I would get on and heal my life.

She almost cried and then she asked me.

“Do you love me Matthew?”

“Yes Chloe, you know I do.”

“Then I want you to do me a favor.”

“What’s the favor?”

“You should be able to promise me without knowing what it is.”

“Okay. I will do it.”

“If you love me I want you to get better and when you are better to publish The Fallen Ones. When I see it in bookstores I will go and buy it and get in contact and we can be friends again.”

I cried. I knew I was a long way from publishing that novel. I begged her for a reason. “Why is it so important to you that I publish that?”

“You love me Matthew. You don’t love me for my breasts, or my good humor, or my money or what you can get from me. You simply love me for who I am. No one loves me like you do. They all love me for a reason. You know all of me, my work life, my personal life. You know everything about me and you understand and accept me. People don’t love me because they can’t understand me. How can people ever understand me unless they read The Fallen Ones?”

I was stunned.

“Publish The Fallen Ones. If you love me promise me you will publish The Fallen Ones.”

I promise.

Six years later Jesus told me through my brother that I respect, through a scripture verse and directly into my heart that I had to throw The Fallen Ones away and not publish it as it would bring Jesus and my ministries in the future dishonor.

It broke me heart to throw out my fictional character Sharon away. My dream was Chloe would have become that better woman and when she wrote to me and that we would have married. Not only did I have to depart with a novel I had spent eight hundred dollars getting it proofread and ten years editing and perfecting, but I had to break a promise to Chloe and also put up with the fact that now she would have no way of finding me.

Would you throw out that novel reader?

Would you have broken that promise to Chloe like I did?

Jesus Christ put two idols on the altar that day. My Book, and the girl I loved, the girl that left me unselfishly so I would have the courage to heal and a reason to heal and something to force me to publish.

At church the night I threw the novel out a song played on the song list that spoke about laying down all our dreams and desires to follow Jesus. I wept the first time I heard that song a year before as I knew if it come to it and Jesus asked me I would have to throw my novel out. And that night I wept again.

Three hours later around 12pm at night my best friend and prophet that heads up www.online-prayer.net for me started to cry at the caf? we were at. I asked him why he was crying and he waved me off as he continued to weep. He gathered himself together some minutes later and told me God had just told him that tonight God was making a move in Chloe’s life to bring her into the kingdom of God. When I heard that I began to cry as my friend expected I would. Just typing now I have to stop again as my tears stop me from seeing.

Who would you give up for Jesus and his will?

What ambition would you give up?

This year I have had to give up one more love for a season.

The forth love but the one that came first June Gloria Payne, my mother

If Jesus told you to stop communicating with your mother would you do it?

Seventeen weeks ago the Lord told me to stop contacting my mother for a season until I heal things in my life that my human relationship with my mother had caused.

My mum is the greatest listener in my world save my prophet friend.

My mum was my greatest backer.

My mum championed me.

My mother allowed me to suffer without condemning me for my sins

My mother taught me what good conversation is.

My mother is my biggest believer

My mother worries too much for me.

I hear mothers cannot stop worrying and so who can blame her for that?

My mother had the dark hair that I love.

My mother took me to see my grandmother who loved me so importantly for me.

My mother wept as I threw out my novel as she had prayed that I would let go of the past.

My mother met Chloe and approved of her son dating a prostitute and getting engaged to one.

My mother had coffee and cake and let Chloe pay for it without a fuss, saying politely that she would pay next time.

My mother loved my wife through all the grief my wife gave her son.

My mother showed me what unconditional love is.

My mother is scared of my mental illness.

My mother is human.

My mother writes great letters and cards.

My mother is a gifted teacher of the Bible.

My mother made my friends I brought home feel like sons.

My mother never judged

She was stunned as we got on so well and she often let things go about her personal life. We had become like buddies and she was shocked that I could choose to leave her. Her curiosity made her ask why I was leaving.

I didn’t want to answer her.

She pushed and I gave in. At least she deserved the truth.

“I can’t use your services anymore Chloe as I am in love with you now.”

She tried to talk me around. I could not get in the mood anymore knowing I loved her. I simply had to find another prostitute to see.

We parted as friends and I still brought her clients. Sometimes she would earn between five hundred and a thousand dollars from clients I got her. From time to time at the end of a night or between clients she would invite me up for a coffee.

One day about four months after stopping using her services I was in the mood and it was early in the morning. I rang Chloe to ask if she was working and she said she was, thinking I was going to bring a late client around. I told her that no such client existed, but I wanted to come as a client for a once off time. She asked me if I was joking with her. It was something I would do, we were always laughing and joking with each other. I told her I was serious and she said she did not believe me.

When I rang the intercom she said she was nervous and asked once again if I was serious. I told her I was and she buzzed me up.

She met me at the door and our lips met and we undressed all the way to the bed. I am happy to say the half an hour booking went for a couple of hours, then we went out for breakfast, came home talked and talked and then went out to lunch before I left to take the taxi back.

We started dating from that day. One night about 3am in the morning on my day off she rang me at home and asked if I could come up and see her. When I got there she fell into my arms and gave me a big hug. I think this is the night that I knew she was in love with me and was totally at ease with me and she brought me from her personal life back into her business life. She didn’t cry but she told me she had been hurt physically by a client that was rough and would have to take a week off.

I met her foster mother that week and her son. Soon after that I had asked her to marry me and she accepted my proposal. We made plans for me to get my income to $1500 per week in the cabs and then we would get married and she would leave her work and get a normal job. She was doing a course at college to become a personal trainer and she had lost quite a lot of weight as she exercised. She made noises as she had lost weight up top that she might get implants and I had a big laugh and told her that I thought she was funny.

I lost my cab license due to fines and Chloe broke up with me. She told me that we couldn’t marry if I couldn’t at least replace her income. My sister got a sudden urge to pray for me that day but I wasn’t suicidal that day.

I pushed Chloe and asked if their was any other reason she was calling the engagement off and she told me that “Jesus has told me that you have a better wife in the future and I cannot marry you as it will stop her coming into your life.”

That made a lot of sense to me and I accepted that if birds could talk to Chloe and give her visions and she could summon spirits and put them in her creative work then it made sense that Jesus could speak to her.

She could never come to grips with the money for the half an hour booking that I had given her. So shortly after our breakup we went to see John Farnham and Olivia Newton John in concert and used the money plus forty dollars that I put in and she shouted dinner. We went as friends. In the middle of the concert a little girl went down to the stage and gave John Farnham a single rose.

Chloe reached over to me and told me that when she was that girl’s age she had been the little girl and given John a rose. That made tears come into my eyes that she would share her singer with me and such a precious memory with me.

After the concert Chloe told me that this was the last time we could see each other as friends. When I asked why she told me that Jesus had told her that my friendship with her is a crutch and that she needed to leave me so I would get on and heal my life.

She almost cried and then she asked me.

“Do you love me Matthew?”

“Yes Chloe, you know I do.”

“Then I want you to do me a favor.”

“What’s the favor?”

“You should be able to promise me without knowing what it is.”

“Okay. I will do it.”

“If you love me I want you to get better and when you are better to publish The Fallen Ones. When I see it in bookstores I will go and buy it and get in contact and we can be friends again.”

I cried. I knew I was a long way from publishing that novel. I begged her for a reason. “Why is it so important to you that I publish that?”

“You love me Matthew. You don’t love me for my breasts, or my good humor, or my money or what you can get from me. You simply love me for who I am. No one loves me like you do. They all love me for a reason. You know all of me, my work life, my personal life. You know everything about me and you understand and accept me. People don’t love me because they can’t understand me. How can people ever understand me unless they read The Fallen Ones?”

I was stunned.

“Publish The Fallen Ones. If you love me promise me you will publish The Fallen Ones.”

I promise.

Six years later Jesus told me through my brother that I respect, through a scripture verse and directly into my heart that I had to throw The Fallen Ones away and not publish it as it would bring Jesus and my ministries in the future dishonor.

It broke me heart to throw out my fictional character Sharon away. My dream was Chloe would have become that better woman and when she wrote to me and that we would have married. Not only did I have to depart with a novel I had spent eight hundred dollars getting it proofread and ten years editing and perfecting, but I had to break a promise to Chloe and also put up with the fact that now she would have no way of finding me.

Would you throw out that novel reader?

Would you have broken that promise to Chloe like I did?

Jesus Christ put two idols on the altar that day. My Book, and the girl I loved, the girl that left me unselfishly so I would have the courage to heal and a reason to heal and something to force me to publish.

At church the night I threw the novel out a song played on the song list that spoke about laying down all our dreams and desires to follow Jesus. I wept the first time I heard that song a year before as I knew if it come to it and Jesus asked me I would have to throw my novel out. And that night I wept again.

Three hours later around 12pm at night my best friend and prophet that heads up www.online-prayer.net for me started to cry at the caf? we were at. I asked him why he was crying and he waved me off as he continued to weep. He gathered himself together some minutes later and told me God had just told him that tonight God was making a move in Chloe’s life to bring her into the kingdom of God. When I heard that I began to cry as my friend expected I would. Just typing now I have to stop again as my tears stop me from seeing.

Who would you give up for Jesus and his will?

What ambition would you give up?

This year I have had to give up one more love for a season.

The forth love but the one that came first June Gloria Payne, my mother

If Jesus told you to stop communicating with your mother would you do it?

Seventeen weeks ago the Lord told me to stop contacting my mother for a season until I heal things in my life that my human relationship with my mother had caused.

My mum is the greatest listener in my world save my prophet friend.

My mum was my greatest backer.

My mum championed me.

My mother allowed me to suffer without condemning me for my sins

My mother taught me what good conversation is.

My mother is my biggest believer

My mother worries too much for me.

I hear mothers cannot stop worrying and so who can blame her for that?

My mother had the dark hair that I love.

My mother took me to see my grandmother who loved me so importantly for me.

My mother wept as I threw out my novel as she had prayed that I would let go of the past.

My mother met Chloe and approved of her son dating a prostitute and getting engaged to one.

My mother had coffee and cake and let Chloe pay for it without a fuss, saying politely that she would pay next time.

My mother loved my wife through all the grief my wife gave her son.

My mother showed me what unconditional love is.

My mother is scared of my mental illness.

My mother is human.

My mother writes great letters and cards.

My mother is a gifted teacher of the Bible.

My mother made my friends I brought home feel like sons.

My mother never judged

I pushed Chloe and asked if their was any other reason she was calling the engagement off and she told me that “Jesus has told me that you have a better wife in the future and I cannot marry you as it will stop her coming into your life.”

That made a lot of sense to me and I accepted that if birds could talk to Chloe and give her visions and she could summon spirits and put them in her creative work then it made sense that Jesus could speak to her.

She could never come to grips with the money for the half an hour booking that I had given her. So shortly after our breakup we went to see John Farnham and Olivia Newton John in concert and used the money plus forty dollars that I put in and she shouted dinner. We went as friends. In the middle of the concert a little girl went down to the stage and gave John Farnham a single rose.

Chloe reached over to me and told me that when she was that girl’s age she had been the little girl and given John a rose. That made tears come into my eyes that she would share her singer with me and such a precious memory with me.

After the concert Chloe told me that this was the last time we could see each other as friends. When I asked why she told me that Jesus had told her that my friendship with her is a crutch and that she needed to leave me so I would get on and heal my life.

She almost cried and then she asked me.

“Do you love me Matthew?”

“Yes Chloe, you know I do.”

“Then I want you to do me a favor.”

“What’s the favor?”

“You should be able to promise me without knowing what it is.”

“Okay. I will do it.”

“If you love me I want you to get better and when you are better to publish The Fallen Ones. When I see it in bookstores I will go and buy it and get in contact and we can be friends again.”

I cried. I knew I was a long way from publishing that novel. I begged her for a reason. “Why is it so important to you that I publish that?”

“You love me Matthew. You don’t love me for my breasts, or my good humor, or my money or what you can get from me. You simply love me for who I am. No one loves me like you do. They all love me for a reason. You know all of me, my work life, my personal life. You know everything about me and you understand and accept me. People don’t love me because they can’t understand me. How can people ever understand me unless they read The Fallen Ones?”

I was stunned.

“Publish The Fallen Ones. If you love me promise me you will publish The Fallen Ones.”

I promise.

Six years later Jesus told me through my brother that I respect, through a scripture verse and directly into my heart that I had to throw The Fallen Ones away and not publish it as it would bring Jesus and my ministries in the future dishonor.

It broke me heart to throw out my fictional character Sharon away. My dream was Chloe would have become that better woman and when she wrote to me and that we would have married. Not only did I have to depart with a novel I had spent eight hundred dollars getting it proofread and ten years editing and perfecting, but I had to break a promise to Chloe and also put up with the fact that now she would have no way of finding me.

Would you throw out that novel reader?

Would you have broken that promise to Chloe like I did?

Jesus Christ put two idols on the altar that day. My Book, and the girl I loved, the girl that left me unselfishly so I would have the courage to heal and a reason to heal and something to force me to publish.

At church the night I threw the novel out a song played on the song list that spoke about laying down all our dreams and desires to follow Jesus. I wept the first time I heard that song a year before as I knew if it come to it and Jesus asked me I would have to throw my novel out. And that night I wept again.

Three hours later around 12pm at night my best friend and prophet that heads up www.online-prayer.net for me started to cry at the caf? we were at. I asked him why he was crying and he waved me off as he continued to weep. He gathered himself together some minutes later and told me God had just told him that tonight God was making a move in Chloe’s life to bring her into the kingdom of God. When I heard that I began to cry as my friend expected I would. Just typing now I have to stop again as my tears stop me from seeing.

Who would you give up for Jesus and his will?

What ambition would you give up?

This year I have had to give up one more love for a season.

The forth love but the one that came first June Gloria Payne, my mother

If Jesus told you to stop communicating with your mother would you do it?

Seventeen weeks ago the Lord told me to stop contacting my mother for a season until I heal things in my life that my human relationship with my mother had caused.

My mum is the greatest listener in my world save my prophet friend.

My mum was my greatest backer.

My mum championed me.

My mother allowed me to suffer without condemning me for my sins

My mother taught me what good conversation is.

My mother is my biggest believer

My mother worries too much for me.

I hear mothers cannot stop worrying and so who can blame her for that?

My mother had the dark hair that I love.

My mother took me to see my grandmother who loved me so importantly for me.

My mother wept as I threw out my novel as she had prayed that I would let go of the past.

My mother met Chloe and approved of her son dating a prostitute and getting engaged to one.

My mother had coffee and cake and let Chloe pay for it without a fuss, saying politely that she would pay next time.

My mother loved my wife through all the grief my wife gave her son.

My mother showed me what unconditional love is.

My mother is scared of my mental illness.

My mother is human.

My mother writes great letters and cards.

My mother is a gifted teacher of the Bible.

My mother made my friends I brought home feel like sons.

My mother never judged

Would you throw out that novel reader?

Would you have broken that promise to Chloe like I did?

Jesus Christ put two idols on the altar that day. My Book, and the girl I loved, the girl that left me unselfishly so I would have the courage to heal and a reason to heal and something to force me to publish.

At church the night I threw the novel out a song played on the song list that spoke about laying down all our dreams and desires to follow Jesus. I wept the first time I heard that song a year before as I knew if it come to it and Jesus asked me I would have to throw my novel out. And that night I wept again.

Three hours later around 12pm at night my best friend and prophet that heads up www.online-prayer.net for me started to cry at the caf? we were at. I asked him why he was crying and he waved me off as he continued to weep. He gathered himself together some minutes later and told me God had just told him that tonight God was making a move in Chloe’s life to bring her into the kingdom of God. When I heard that I began to cry as my friend expected I would. Just typing now I have to stop again as my tears stop me from seeing.

Who would you give up for Jesus and his will?

What ambition would you give up?

This year I have had to give up one more love for a season.

The forth love but the one that came first June Gloria Payne, my mother

If Jesus told you to stop communicating with your mother would you do it?

Seventeen weeks ago the Lord told me to stop contacting my mother for a season until I heal things in my life that my human relationship with my mother had caused.

My mum is the greatest listener in my world save my prophet friend.

My mum was my greatest backer.

My mum championed me.

My mother allowed me to suffer without condemning me for my sins

My mother taught me what good conversation is.

My mother is my biggest believer

My mother worries too much for me.

I hear mothers cannot stop worrying and so who can blame her for that?

My mother had the dark hair that I love.

My mother took me to see my grandmother who loved me so importantly for me.

My mother wept as I threw out my novel as she had prayed that I would let go of the past.

My mother met Chloe and approved of her son dating a prostitute and getting engaged to one.

My mother had coffee and cake and let Chloe pay for it without a fuss, saying politely that she would pay next time.

My mother loved my wife through all the grief my wife gave her son.

My mother showed me what unconditional love is.

My mother is scared of my mental illness.

My mother is human.

My mother writes great letters and cards.

My mother is a gifted teacher of the Bible.

My mother made my friends I brought home feel like sons.

My mother never judged my friends.

My mother cried many tears for me and constantly gave her worries up to Jesus.

My mother prays in tongues for me, a prayer that God gives her that she doesn’t understand, every day.

God prays through her for me each day.

One day I will be re-united with my mother. But for the moment I have to be alone for a while as Jesus does some inner healing in my life.

My mother is going to get one of my signed copies of my first published book that I self published and she is going to learn a lot about me and see my gift for writing and preaching on paper. When she gets that signed book and reads it she will be proud of me.

My best friend.

Some people live their whole lives in quite desperation never really knowing anything about God or Jesus His Son. As a person that is now eight months out of his 20 year addiction to prostitutes I have to say without Jesus in my life and His power and His ability to deal with wicked spirits I would still be in my addiction.

Today I respect women enough to refuse them my hand in marriage, today I respect women enough not to use them for sex, today I respect women enough not to look at porn. Today I see pretty dresses more then pretty girls. Today I see prettiness in all shapes and sizes. Today I am evolving into a better male, a more trustworthy male and one that can readily agree that I was not always very nice. All of this has come from the existence of Jesus and the reality of Him in my life.

Jesus has promised me a bright future. He has big dreams for me. I want to preach on a regular basis in the future and publish quite a number of books and also have a film made. Jesus is a good and faithful friend. He has allowed me to suffer and has allowed me to experience grief and breakdowns and mental illness, but amidst the pressure there is fine oil with a rich aroma of Christ coming out of my life.

Jesus is loyal. He let me sin for years before he put his finger on me. Many people might judge me, many people have, but Jesus is kind, he understands, he has empathy and real sympathy for me. He is a faithful friend and he has always helped me when I have cried for his help. He has given me good friends though life.