is internal and attempt in every way possible to create an entirely new “identity” to make manifest externally. This leads to the ongoing pattern of guys seeming “incongruent”. They seem incongruent because they ARE incongruent – “nay, not seems madam” (as Hamlet might say). Here’s the rub though, when a guy tries through whatever measure to become congruent with this neI had a recent email from an NYC guy named AJ with an interesting question about identity building. There is a lot of talk and writing about identity in the pick-up community, most of which is based in the “game” mentality. Since I am no longer at all interested in anything based in game, I thought it might be helpful to write a bit about what identity means from the standpoint of a guy seeking a girlfriend, and a healthy social life.

If you look up the word “identity” in the dictionary, it will tell you this:

1 a : sameness of essential or generic character in different instances;
2 a : the distinguishing character or personality of an individual

“Sameness” and “Distinguishing” are the critical words here. What is constant about you? When you relate to others, what is it that you notice about them that distinguishes them from others? What might someone say about you? Feel free to ask people, if you want. Typically, a person has a chief feature which somehow defines them to others. It might be that they are generous, open, or happy. Or, it could mean that they are suspicious, thrifty and negative. This little exercise is useful, but not really what we are looking for here.

What is more useful to men looking to improve their relationships with women, is to both understand themselves internally and then how that manifests externally (which is the entire point of my company, CEIC). Dare I say, the entire point of “the game” is to refuse what is internal and attempt in every way possible to create an entirely new “identity” to make manifest externally. This leads to the ongoing pattern of guys seeming “incongruent”. They seem incongruent because they ARE incongruent – “nay, not seems madam” (as Hamlet might say). Here’s the rub though, when a guy tries through whatever measure to become congruent with this ne

ndpoint of a guy seeking a girlfriend, and a healthy social life.

If you look up the word “identity” in the dictionary, it will tell you this:

1 a : sameness of essential or generic character in different instances;
2 a : the distinguishing character or personality of an individual

“Sameness” and “Distinguishing” are the critical words here. What is constant about you? When you relate to others, what is it that you notice about them that distinguishes them from others? What might someone say about you? Feel free to ask people, if you want. Typically, a person has a chief feature which somehow defines them to others. It might be that they are generous, open, or happy. Or, it could mean that they are suspicious, thrifty and negative. This little exercise is useful, but not really what we are looking for here.

What is more useful to men looking to improve their relationships with women, is to both understand themselves internally and then how that manifests externally (which is the entire point of my company, CEIC). Dare I say, the entire point of “the game” is to refuse what is internal and attempt in every way possible to create an entirely new “identity” to make manifest externally. This leads to the ongoing pattern of guys seeming “incongruent”. They seem incongruent because they ARE incongruent – “nay, not seems madam” (as Hamlet might say). Here’s the rub though, when a guy tries through whatever measure to become congruent with this ne

s constant about you? When you relate to others, what is it that you notice about them that distinguishes them from others? What might someone say about you? Feel free to ask people, if you want. Typically, a person has a chief feature which somehow defines them to others. It might be that they are generous, open, or happy. Or, it could mean that they are suspicious, thrifty and negative. This little exercise is useful, but not really what we are looking for here.

What is more useful to men looking to improve their relationships with women, is to both understand themselves internally and then how that manifests externally (which is the entire point of my company, CEIC). Dare I say, the entire point of “the game” is to refuse what is internal and attempt in every way possible to create an entirely new “identity” to make manifest externally. This leads to the ongoing pattern of guys seeming “incongruent”. They seem incongruent because they ARE incongruent – “nay, not seems madam” (as Hamlet might say). Here’s the rub though, when a guy tries through whatever measure to become congruent with this ne

ifty and negative. This little exercise is useful, but not really what we are looking for here.

What is more useful to men looking to improve their relationships with women, is to both understand themselves internally and then how that manifests externally (which is the entire point of my company, CEIC). Dare I say, the entire point of “the game” is to refuse what is internal and attempt in every way possible to create an entirely new “identity” to make manifest externally. This leads to the ongoing pattern of guys seeming “incongruent”. They seem incongruent because they ARE incongruent – “nay, not seems madam” (as Hamlet might say). Here’s the rub though, when a guy tries through whatever measure to become congruent with this ne

is internal and attempt in every way possible to create an entirely new “identity” to make manifest externally. This leads to the ongoing pattern of guys seeming “incongruent”. They seem incongruent because they ARE incongruent – “nay, not seems madam” (as Hamlet might say). Here’s the rub though, when a guy tries through whatever measure to become congruent with this new identity, material, routine, clothing etc., he denies his true nature, his true identity.

Most guys in the community have a VERY apparent strangeness to them – no one I have met – well, save a very few (Mike, my former partner, was one of them, ‘26’, who worked with us at Project Hollywood, another), are cool, laid-back guys with a real life, and a real sense of their identity. The others have filled their brain with behaviors, thought patterns, and enforced circuitry which is very unhealthy, and ironically, furthers them from their goal. It INCREASES the real space between them and themselves, exacerbating the issue of being incongruent.

What happens then? Well, the only women who would be attracted to such a confused and childish specimen would be someone equally confused and lost. You attract AT your level. Let this be your New Year’s warning against pick-up, or at least most offerings of pick-up, that you can only develop yourself by becoming and evolving as yourself – in the end, you will fool NO ONE by playing in the land of make believe. If you want better relationships, and higher-quality women/people in your life, you have to develop yourself first.

Also, an identity is NEVER built – it is something that we discover along the path of leading a healthy lifestyle. Identity, in the CEIC lexicon, is the same as “self-image”. The only time a man needs to build his identity is when he refuses to discover and develop the one given to him. This ar