nd in unions which have no real equity or mutual respect, women always lose out in the talking stakes. They either lack the courage to broach the subject and articulate how they feel, they lack the capacity or willpower to maintain the dialogue, or they are intimidated in the process for situational, intellectual, cultural or religious reasons.

Unequal Balance

Moreover, no interaction is ever equal. Someone always has more pow

I was driven to put pen to paper by some of Britain’s agony aunts. According to the youngest member of our office team, Alex, who is 20 years old, “The advice given out by them is pants.” He says most of it is “old fashioned, very strange and ignored by everyone.”

I couldn't have put it better myself! If he is so young and find the advice irrelevant, how could it be of any real value to older, experienced people? I felt a completely different perspective was required. Personally, I always have a big laugh when I read what some agony aunts dole out by way of advice to the suffering public, which only shows how little they appreciate modern relationships. The prized ones always include ‘talking to your partner’ when something goes wrong, ‘never starting a new relationship with someone else’ during a breakdown in your own situation and to try to ‘rekindle/renew the love you had’. Monocultural in content, highly subjective and conservative in values and tone, many of them have lost sight of the changes in our society, dispensing the same type of one-kind-fits-all arcane medicine to everyone, regardless of culture, custom, relevance or requirement. I felt another perspective was desperately needed.

To begin with, despite the importance of dialogue in any relationship, which I also advocate at appropriate times, the notion of always ‘talking to your partner’ in a difficult situation needs examining. While a few women can hold their own in any discussion, without a mediator most people can only talk effectively if the other person is willing to talk too and, even more important, to listen. In relationships that are male dominated (as in Asian ones where even the relatives tend to be on the side of the husbands to save face and protect the marriage), and in unions which have no real equity or mutual respect, women always lose out in the talking stakes. They either lack the courage to broach the subject and articulate how they feel, they lack the capacity or willpower to maintain the dialogue, or they are intimidated in the process for situational, intellectual, cultural or religious reasons.

Unequal Balance

Moreover, no interaction is ever equal. Someone always has more powe

perspective was required. Personally, I always have a big laugh when I read what some agony aunts dole out by way of advice to the suffering public, which only shows how little they appreciate modern relationships. The prized ones always include ‘talking to your partner’ when something goes wrong, ‘never starting a new relationship with someone else’ during a breakdown in your own situation and to try to ‘rekindle/renew the love you had’. Monocultural in content, highly subjective and conservative in values and tone, many of them have lost sight of the changes in our society, dispensing the same type of one-kind-fits-all arcane medicine to everyone, regardless of culture, custom, relevance or requirement. I felt another perspective was desperately needed.

To begin with, despite the importance of dialogue in any relationship, which I also advocate at appropriate times, the notion of always ‘talking to your partner’ in a difficult situation needs examining. While a few women can hold their own in any discussion, without a mediator most people can only talk effectively if the other person is willing to talk too and, even more important, to listen. In relationships that are male dominated (as in Asian ones where even the relatives tend to be on the side of the husbands to save face and protect the marriage), and in unions which have no real equity or mutual respect, women always lose out in the talking stakes. They either lack the courage to broach the subject and articulate how they feel, they lack the capacity or willpower to maintain the dialogue, or they are intimidated in the process for situational, intellectual, cultural or religious reasons.

Unequal Balance

Moreover, no interaction is ever equal. Someone always has more pow

ou had’. Monocultural in content, highly subjective and conservative in values and tone, many of them have lost sight of the changes in our society, dispensing the same type of one-kind-fits-all arcane medicine to everyone, regardless of culture, custom, relevance or requirement. I felt another perspective was desperately needed.

To begin with, despite the importance of dialogue in any relationship, which I also advocate at appropriate times, the notion of always ‘talking to your partner’ in a difficult situation needs examining. While a few women can hold their own in any discussion, without a mediator most people can only talk effectively if the other person is willing to talk too and, even more important, to listen. In relationships that are male dominated (as in Asian ones where even the relatives tend to be on the side of the husbands to save face and protect the marriage), and in unions which have no real equity or mutual respect, women always lose out in the talking stakes. They either lack the courage to broach the subject and articulate how they feel, they lack the capacity or willpower to maintain the dialogue, or they are intimidated in the process for situational, intellectual, cultural or religious reasons.

Unequal Balance

Moreover, no interaction is ever equal. Someone always has more pow

imes, the notion of always ‘talking to your partner’ in a difficult situation needs examining. While a few women can hold their own in any discussion, without a mediator most people can only talk effectively if the other person is willing to talk too and, even more important, to listen. In relationships that are male dominated (as in Asian ones where even the relatives tend to be on the side of the husbands to save face and protect the marriage), and in unions which have no real equity or mutual respect, women always lose out in the talking stakes. They either lack the courage to broach the subject and articulate how they feel, they lack the capacity or willpower to maintain the dialogue, or they are intimidated in the process for situational, intellectual, cultural or religious reasons.

Unequal Balance

Moreover, no interaction is ever equal. Someone always has more pow

nd in unions which have no real equity or mutual respect, women always lose out in the talking stakes. They either lack the courage to broach the subject and articulate how they feel, they lack the capacity or willpower to maintain the dialogue, or they are intimidated in the process for situational, intellectual, cultural or religious reasons.

Unequal Balance

Moreover, no interaction is ever equal. Someone always has more power than the other in the simplest communication, and men hold the power in most relationships. They often do not like to talk in case they hear anything that might challenge or attack their ego or ingrained beliefs. The last thing they would want to hear is something that might jeopardise their feeling of security.

My dearest friend, David, whom I called the love of my life, used to be an example of this. The minute he heard something which rattled him, he said, “I am not discussing this further as I can’t see where it’s going,” or, “You’ve said that before,” when he’s also fond of repeating himself, or “It’s not relevant”, and always said in a patronising tone which is imperiously dismissive and would floor any quivering female. But quivering does not sit well with my personality so I firmly stand my ground until the point is addressed. The key factor here is relevance. Who is to decide what is ‘relevant’ except the person perceiving, and experiencing, the rejection or the problem?

Men also appear to stop communicating once the partner is in the bag and the relationship settles down. In fact, any dialogue at the following times is usually ineffective:
* When there is extreme stress.
* When someone already benefits from the status quo.
* When he/she wants to reinforce their view by ignoring the obvious.
* When the person is scared of what might happen in the actual resolution. (No one welcomes breaking up, especially where children are involved.)
* When there is genuine fear from one or both parties.

Problems With Alcohol

In these situations constructive face-to-face dialogue is rarely ever possible. Talking, without a mediator, is useful only in the following scenarios:
* When both parties g