iew of life. What it did was take my intellectual understanding that the world is an illusion into the realms of knowing it’s an illusion and there’s a difference between intellectually understanding it’s an illusion and this level of knowing it because you’ve experienced it. I got to the age of 50 without taking a single magic mushroom and I never even had one smoke of pot or anything." I don’t wish to stereotype, but this is exactly what you get when you listen to what a professional footballer thinks about the world.

Apparently, Mr Icke actually IS listened to, as well. He makes some money on the lecture circuit (apparently he does quite well with radical right-wing groups like Combat 18 and other such beacons of intelligence and reason) and was considered for inclusion in a recent series of Celebrity Big Brother.

As anyone who knows me can attest, I don’t watch Big Brother. I won’t. I’ve vowed to have horrible, graphic things done to soft parts of my body before I will watch it, but I have to say: If this guy was included, I’d be tempted.

The scariest part of all is that in a recent poll in BBC Homes and Antiques Magazine, he was apparently voted only the Third Most Eccentric Star, being beaten by Bjork and Chris Eubank.

(I checked, apparently his being “beaten by Chris Eubank”

It’s September 11th, as I write this. Or it will be for a few more hours, anyway.

To be more precise, it’s September 11th 2006, so it’s five years since the September 11th we all think of when we hear that date.

I refuse to call it 9/11, as I’m British and as such, 9/11 is the ninth of November, and as far as I recall, nothing happened on that day.

However, being the fifth anniversary of the World Trade Centre attacks, the newspapers today were understandably filled with memorial pieces, and one editorial in particular caught my eye. I’m not entirely sure how freely I’m allowed to name-check other publications on this website, so I won’t name the paper, but suffice to say it rhymes with “Splindependent.”

Anyway, a columnist in the Splindependent (which happens to be my favourite source of news after the TV channel that features the second letter of the alphabet twice and the third letter once, and isn’t the BCB or the CBB) wrote today about how all the “9/11 conspiracies” are ridiculous.

I agree.

I’ll say it again, nothing happened on November 9th. (I’m sorry, but if we start using this Americanism for one date, pretty soon the rest will follow. This is how it starts!)

My paranoia about the way we phrase a date actually leads me neatly to what I do want to talk about though, and that is the business of paranoid conspiracy theories.

First and foremost, I do not believe that the September 11th conspiracy theories are at all ridiculous. There are a number of deeply troubling and worrisome questions which have been neatly ignored. One of the biggest, for me, is that most of the 19 named hijackers have since come forward and made themselves known to authorities, which is a pretty neat trick for anyone who should logically be comprised mostly of smithereens by now.

What the world doesn’t need, however, is one more internet crank ranting on and on about how there’s something going on that we don’t know about when it comes to 9/11. (Like, what exactly DID happen that mysterious day, and what does it have to do with events in Sept-… oh, alright, I’ll let it go.)

The thing that does interest me, however, is the lighter side of conspiracy theories. In the Splindependent editorial, the writer mentions David Icke. The name rang a vague bell, so I looked him up.

I don’t think I’ve ever found a more diverting article.

Essentially, and I admit I’m a little hazy on the details, David Icke is a former footballer who received a message from the beyond through a medium in 1990. I personally receive most of my messages through a small, but as a former goal keeper, he is presumably taller than me. He believes, amongst other things, that Hitler was talked into the Holocaust by a group of Jews who then bankrolled the whole thing, that he himself is the son of God, and that the whole world is secretly run by a group of giant lizards from the constellation Draco.

I don’t know why space reptiles come from a constellation that sounds like the Russian guy in Rocky IV, but then I haven’t had a chance to ask them, yet.

According to the startlingly earnest Mr. Icke, these reptilian overlords have successfully bred with humans to create a race of hybrids who can shape-shift after drinking human blood, and who are now all in positions of power. A by-no-means exhaustive list of these hybrids includes the British Royal Family, George W. Bush and presumably the rest of his family, Tony Blair, the Rothschild family and Kris Kristofferson.

Now, there’s a name that leaps out at me there right away.

If there was (and by “if there was” I mean “there isn’t”) a huge, global conspiracy by space reptiles, I can understand most of those choices. You would want lizard-men in keys places, such as Government (check) Royalty (check) and country music. No, wait…

How in the blue hell did Kris Kristofferson, or, more accurately, Ma Kristofferson, end up involved with the lizard people and give birth to their unholy spawn?! Spawn may be an unfortunate choice of words, given the topic, but still, it’s a question that seriously bears some looking at. I love Kris Kristofferson, but I’m willing to bet that I don’t know more than five people who could reliably tell you who he is.

For those who don’t know, he’s a sorely under-rated singer songwriter and a B-movie actor, probably best known as Whistler in the “Blade” movies. How exactly he fits into the global domination by lizards plot has never been made clear by ol’ Dave.

In possibly the worst idea in history, on a trip to Brazil in 2003, some local people gave Icke a mind altering plant to try. This was perhaps a skit in an aborted reality series called “Drug the Loony”, but I’m just speculating. Either way, this man is a long, long way down the list of people who should ever have his mind tamped with any more than nature has already done. Speaking of the experience he reportedly said, oh-so-coherently: "[It] is a plant – a rain forest plant – which they turn in to what they call a turn and Shaman in South America have been using it for centuries at least to take people into other realms of reality. ... I took it twice and it was an experience – particularly on the 2nd night – that completely transformed my view of life. What it did was take my intellectual understanding that the world is an illusion into the realms of knowing it’s an illusion and there’s a difference between intellectually understanding it’s an illusion and this level of knowing it because you’ve experienced it. I got to the age of 50 without taking a single magic mushroom and I never even had one smoke of pot or anything." I don’t wish to stereotype, but this is exactly what you get when you listen to what a professional footballer thinks about the world.

Apparently, Mr Icke actually IS listened to, as well. He makes some money on the lecture circuit (apparently he does quite well with radical right-wing groups like Combat 18 and other such beacons of intelligence and reason) and was considered for inclusion in a recent series of Celebrity Big Brother.

As anyone who knows me can attest, I don’t watch Big Brother. I won’t. I’ve vowed to have horrible, graphic things done to soft parts of my body before I will watch it, but I have to say: If this guy was included, I’d be tempted.

The scariest part of all is that in a recent poll in BBC Homes and Antiques Magazine, he was apparently voted only the Third Most Eccentric Star, being beaten by Bjork and Chris Eubank.

(I checked, apparently his being “beaten by Chris Eubank” w

t though, and that is the business of paranoid conspiracy theories.

First and foremost, I do not believe that the September 11th conspiracy theories are at all ridiculous. There are a number of deeply troubling and worrisome questions which have been neatly ignored. One of the biggest, for me, is that most of the 19 named hijackers have since come forward and made themselves known to authorities, which is a pretty neat trick for anyone who should logically be comprised mostly of smithereens by now.

What the world doesn’t need, however, is one more internet crank ranting on and on about how there’s something going on that we don’t know about when it comes to 9/11. (Like, what exactly DID happen that mysterious day, and what does it have to do with events in Sept-… oh, alright, I’ll let it go.)

The thing that does interest me, however, is the lighter side of conspiracy theories. In the Splindependent editorial, the writer mentions David Icke. The name rang a vague bell, so I looked him up.

I don’t think I’ve ever found a more diverting article.

Essentially, and I admit I’m a little hazy on the details, David Icke is a former footballer who received a message from the beyond through a medium in 1990. I personally receive most of my messages through a small, but as a former goal keeper, he is presumably taller than me. He believes, amongst other things, that Hitler was talked into the Holocaust by a group of Jews who then bankrolled the whole thing, that he himself is the son of God, and that the whole world is secretly run by a group of giant lizards from the constellation Draco.

I don’t know why space reptiles come from a constellation that sounds like the Russian guy in Rocky IV, but then I haven’t had a chance to ask them, yet.

According to the startlingly earnest Mr. Icke, these reptilian overlords have successfully bred with humans to create a race of hybrids who can shape-shift after drinking human blood, and who are now all in positions of power. A by-no-means exhaustive list of these hybrids includes the British Royal Family, George W. Bush and presumably the rest of his family, Tony Blair, the Rothschild family and Kris Kristofferson.

Now, there’s a name that leaps out at me there right away.

If there was (and by “if there was” I mean “there isn’t”) a huge, global conspiracy by space reptiles, I can understand most of those choices. You would want lizard-men in keys places, such as Government (check) Royalty (check) and country music. No, wait…

How in the blue hell did Kris Kristofferson, or, more accurately, Ma Kristofferson, end up involved with the lizard people and give birth to their unholy spawn?! Spawn may be an unfortunate choice of words, given the topic, but still, it’s a question that seriously bears some looking at. I love Kris Kristofferson, but I’m willing to bet that I don’t know more than five people who could reliably tell you who he is.

For those who don’t know, he’s a sorely under-rated singer songwriter and a B-movie actor, probably best known as Whistler in the “Blade” movies. How exactly he fits into the global domination by lizards plot has never been made clear by ol’ Dave.

In possibly the worst idea in history, on a trip to Brazil in 2003, some local people gave Icke a mind altering plant to try. This was perhaps a skit in an aborted reality series called “Drug the Loony”, but I’m just speculating. Either way, this man is a long, long way down the list of people who should ever have his mind tamped with any more than nature has already done. Speaking of the experience he reportedly said, oh-so-coherently: "[It] is a plant – a rain forest plant – which they turn in to what they call a turn and Shaman in South America have been using it for centuries at least to take people into other realms of reality. ... I took it twice and it was an experience – particularly on the 2nd night – that completely transformed my view of life. What it did was take my intellectual understanding that the world is an illusion into the realms of knowing it’s an illusion and there’s a difference between intellectually understanding it’s an illusion and this level of knowing it because you’ve experienced it. I got to the age of 50 without taking a single magic mushroom and I never even had one smoke of pot or anything." I don’t wish to stereotype, but this is exactly what you get when you listen to what a professional footballer thinks about the world.

Apparently, Mr Icke actually IS listened to, as well. He makes some money on the lecture circuit (apparently he does quite well with radical right-wing groups like Combat 18 and other such beacons of intelligence and reason) and was considered for inclusion in a recent series of Celebrity Big Brother.

As anyone who knows me can attest, I don’t watch Big Brother. I won’t. I’ve vowed to have horrible, graphic things done to soft parts of my body before I will watch it, but I have to say: If this guy was included, I’d be tempted.

The scariest part of all is that in a recent poll in BBC Homes and Antiques Magazine, he was apparently voted only the Third Most Eccentric Star, being beaten by Bjork and Chris Eubank.

(I checked, apparently his being “beaten by Chris Eubank”

per, he is presumably taller than me. He believes, amongst other things, that Hitler was talked into the Holocaust by a group of Jews who then bankrolled the whole thing, that he himself is the son of God, and that the whole world is secretly run by a group of giant lizards from the constellation Draco.

I don’t know why space reptiles come from a constellation that sounds like the Russian guy in Rocky IV, but then I haven’t had a chance to ask them, yet.

According to the startlingly earnest Mr. Icke, these reptilian overlords have successfully bred with humans to create a race of hybrids who can shape-shift after drinking human blood, and who are now all in positions of power. A by-no-means exhaustive list of these hybrids includes the British Royal Family, George W. Bush and presumably the rest of his family, Tony Blair, the Rothschild family and Kris Kristofferson.

Now, there’s a name that leaps out at me there right away.

If there was (and by “if there was” I mean “there isn’t”) a huge, global conspiracy by space reptiles, I can understand most of those choices. You would want lizard-men in keys places, such as Government (check) Royalty (check) and country music. No, wait…

How in the blue hell did Kris Kristofferson, or, more accurately, Ma Kristofferson, end up involved with the lizard people and give birth to their unholy spawn?! Spawn may be an unfortunate choice of words, given the topic, but still, it’s a question that seriously bears some looking at. I love Kris Kristofferson, but I’m willing to bet that I don’t know more than five people who could reliably tell you who he is.

For those who don’t know, he’s a sorely under-rated singer songwriter and a B-movie actor, probably best known as Whistler in the “Blade” movies. How exactly he fits into the global domination by lizards plot has never been made clear by ol’ Dave.

In possibly the worst idea in history, on a trip to Brazil in 2003, some local people gave Icke a mind altering plant to try. This was perhaps a skit in an aborted reality series called “Drug the Loony”, but I’m just speculating. Either way, this man is a long, long way down the list of people who should ever have his mind tamped with any more than nature has already done. Speaking of the experience he reportedly said, oh-so-coherently: "[It] is a plant – a rain forest plant – which they turn in to what they call a turn and Shaman in South America have been using it for centuries at least to take people into other realms of reality. ... I took it twice and it was an experience – particularly on the 2nd night – that completely transformed my view of life. What it did was take my intellectual understanding that the world is an illusion into the realms of knowing it’s an illusion and there’s a difference between intellectually understanding it’s an illusion and this level of knowing it because you’ve experienced it. I got to the age of 50 without taking a single magic mushroom and I never even had one smoke of pot or anything." I don’t wish to stereotype, but this is exactly what you get when you listen to what a professional footballer thinks about the world.

Apparently, Mr Icke actually IS listened to, as well. He makes some money on the lecture circuit (apparently he does quite well with radical right-wing groups like Combat 18 and other such beacons of intelligence and reason) and was considered for inclusion in a recent series of Celebrity Big Brother.

As anyone who knows me can attest, I don’t watch Big Brother. I won’t. I’ve vowed to have horrible, graphic things done to soft parts of my body before I will watch it, but I have to say: If this guy was included, I’d be tempted.

The scariest part of all is that in a recent poll in BBC Homes and Antiques Magazine, he was apparently voted only the Third Most Eccentric Star, being beaten by Bjork and Chris Eubank.

(I checked, apparently his being “beaten by Chris Eubank”

th the lizard people and give birth to their unholy spawn?! Spawn may be an unfortunate choice of words, given the topic, but still, it’s a question that seriously bears some looking at. I love Kris Kristofferson, but I’m willing to bet that I don’t know more than five people who could reliably tell you who he is.

For those who don’t know, he’s a sorely under-rated singer songwriter and a B-movie actor, probably best known as Whistler in the “Blade” movies. How exactly he fits into the global domination by lizards plot has never been made clear by ol’ Dave.

In possibly the worst idea in history, on a trip to Brazil in 2003, some local people gave Icke a mind altering plant to try. This was perhaps a skit in an aborted reality series called “Drug the Loony”, but I’m just speculating. Either way, this man is a long, long way down the list of people who should ever have his mind tamped with any more than nature has already done. Speaking of the experience he reportedly said, oh-so-coherently: "[It] is a plant – a rain forest plant – which they turn in to what they call a turn and Shaman in South America have been using it for centuries at least to take people into other realms of reality. ... I took it twice and it was an experience – particularly on the 2nd night – that completely transformed my view of life. What it did was take my intellectual understanding that the world is an illusion into the realms of knowing it’s an illusion and there’s a difference between intellectually understanding it’s an illusion and this level of knowing it because you’ve experienced it. I got to the age of 50 without taking a single magic mushroom and I never even had one smoke of pot or anything." I don’t wish to stereotype, but this is exactly what you get when you listen to what a professional footballer thinks about the world.

Apparently, Mr Icke actually IS listened to, as well. He makes some money on the lecture circuit (apparently he does quite well with radical right-wing groups like Combat 18 and other such beacons of intelligence and reason) and was considered for inclusion in a recent series of Celebrity Big Brother.

As anyone who knows me can attest, I don’t watch Big Brother. I won’t. I’ve vowed to have horrible, graphic things done to soft parts of my body before I will watch it, but I have to say: If this guy was included, I’d be tempted.

The scariest part of all is that in a recent poll in BBC Homes and Antiques Magazine, he was apparently voted only the Third Most Eccentric Star, being beaten by Bjork and Chris Eubank.

(I checked, apparently his being “beaten by Chris Eubank”

iew of life. What it did was take my intellectual understanding that the world is an illusion into the realms of knowing it’s an illusion and there’s a difference between intellectually understanding it’s an illusion and this level of knowing it because you’ve experienced it. I got to the age of 50 without taking a single magic mushroom and I never even had one smoke of pot or anything." I don’t wish to stereotype, but this is exactly what you get when you listen to what a professional footballer thinks about the world.

Apparently, Mr Icke actually IS listened to, as well. He makes some money on the lecture circuit (apparently he does quite well with radical right-wing groups like Combat 18 and other such beacons of intelligence and reason) and was considered for inclusion in a recent series of Celebrity Big Brother.

As anyone who knows me can attest, I don’t watch Big Brother. I won’t. I’ve vowed to have horrible, graphic things done to soft parts of my body before I will watch it, but I have to say: If this guy was included, I’d be tempted.

The scariest part of all is that in a recent poll in BBC Homes and Antiques Magazine, he was apparently voted only the Third Most Eccentric Star, being beaten by Bjork and Chris Eubank.

(I checked, apparently his being “beaten by Chris Eubank” was just in the sense of where he placed in the poll, and not an engaging centrefold.)

Perhaps that’s overly harsh. I’m torn when it comes to people like this. On the one hand, they detract from genuine conspiracies. We still don’t know who shot Kennedy, or why Osama Bin Laden was mysteriously wearing a gold ring in the video where he admitted responsibility for the 9/11 attacks (gold rings are forbidden under Islamic law), but at least some of the reason why we may never find out is that there is a lot of background noise from the Giant Lizard corner of the room that drowns out the real questions.

At the same time, I think we need people like this for entertainment value. Realistically, nobody this stupid or blind could ever have a serious impact on the way the world is run anyway. Unless their name is George.

[Note: on 9th of November, Ambrose Burnside, best known for his facial hair, assumed command of the Army of the Potomac in 1862, the Great Fire of Boston began in 1872, Jack the Ripper killed Mary Jane Kelly, his last confirmed victim, in 1888, Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany Abdicated in 1918 having lost a rather well publicised war of the time, Albert Einstein was awarded the Nobel Prize in 1921, the “Beer Hall Putsch” is thwarted in Germany in 1923 and, ironically, Kristallnacht occurred exactly 15 years later, and in 1961 Neil Armstrong set a new airspeed record in a rocket plane. 6,587km/h, for those taking notes.]